Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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