I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
