Pappa wants mamma naked
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I pour the whiskey from now on
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
