I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
