my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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