Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I just had sex on a roof
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
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