I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Randomize
