Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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