Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
