She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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