I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
You can't just leave with hair like that
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
