Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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