i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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