I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
