My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
