People in love make me want to vomit
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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