Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
