I don't have enough holes for all these australians
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize