I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
