Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
