and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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