btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
