fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
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