i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
