Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize