She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
