yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
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