all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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