someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize