ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
