I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I enjoy the company of your penis
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
