the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
