I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
someone get that fucking seahorse.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
