Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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