now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize
