What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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