I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Randomize
