Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Randomize
