Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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