I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
