A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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