I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
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