you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
