Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
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