the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
When did angry sex become our thing?
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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