I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
