at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Randomize
