the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
you had me at cake vodka
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
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