omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
