You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
