I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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