She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
