Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
