I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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