haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
