I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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