Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I want a musical about memes.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Congratulations! We have a period
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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