So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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