i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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