Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
