1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Randomize
