Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Randomize
