HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
